In Vacant or in Pensive Mood

Before we got married, Arpit and I had decided to wait for at least two years before we tried to have a biological child. But two years rolled by too soon and we were not ready. We then decided that May 2020 would be the best time to try. But we all know how 2020 turned out! We definitely wanted nothing to do with bringing a helpless, vulnerable, tiny human into a world assaulted by a pandemic and we also did not want to be taking trips to the hospital during one. So, we decided to wait it out a bit more. In December 2021, we were able to take a trip. Things seemed like they were really improving. So, on our anniversary, we "did it"! We had assumed that it would take several months of trying to get pregnant but, in the early days of January 2022, I started feeling different. Arpit was sure I wasn't pregnant. I was sure that I was. It was time to find out with a home pregnancy test. I had taken such tests in the past (whenever I missed a period) but the result was a litt...

When they wheeled me into the operation theatre, I expected to come back out WITH a newborn. What I didn't anticipate was that I'd come back out, myself, a newborn. But unlike my little girl who's all new and fresh and eager to take on the world, I'm only like a newborn because... - I need assistance with walking, sitting, lying down and turning - I'm dependent on others for everything - from eating to drinking, even visiting the toilet - I wear a diaper (maternity panties) and need help with changing - If I poop, there's cause for celebration - The only way I know how to communicate sometimes is through tears In the last few days, I've had a stranger shave me, while someone else stripped and reclothed me, someone wiped me down, someone took out my urine (bag). Shame? I've been stripped of that, too. It will have to be one of those things I learn all over again. My mom has recently bathed me, and my husband accompanies me on every long, hard trip to ...

Three-year-old* me had a bed-wetting issue. She prayed specifically about it, almost every night before going to bed. The nights she prayed before going to sleep, she would wake up to a dry bed in the morning. She didn't think, even for a minute, that her nightly accidents may have stopped due to any other changes in her routine. Her mother made her go to the washroom every night before bed, but the difference between a wet bed and a dry bed in the morning depended on whether or not she remembered to pray. That's what she believed, anyway! Five-year-old* me would have nightmares of thieves breaking into her house and cutting off her arm when she attempted to fight them off and protect her parents. She prayed about it and the nightmares disappeared. If she forgot to pray, they sometimes returned. Without a question, she prayed again. Until the nightmares stopped, until she became a dreamer of good, beautiful and awe-inspiring dreams. Six-year-old* me wanted sunglasses; large one...

In mid-January this year, after over three weeks of being sick and weak and undiagnosed (despite multiple doctor visits and tests), my dad was found to be COVID+ve. The chest x-ray revealed that over 70% of his lungs had been affected. The hospital he had been admitted in for the test asked him to leave that same night. They gave a letter asking us to transfer him elsewhere as they didn't cater to COVID patients. By this time, the night curfew had begun and it was difficult commuting anywhere, let alone with a patient who had COVID! But we needed to find another hospital to admit my dad in; he needed medical attention at the earliest. My uncle suggested taking him to a govt hospital where COVID patients were accepted. But my dad didn't want to go there. He had his own set of reasons and apprehensions, I don't blame him for them. But as the midnight search for a private hospital accepting COVID patients began, I started to worry internally. One worry, obviously, was for my f...

April 2022 The heart is burdened, the mind - boggled. The eyes and ears can't believe the horror that they are made to see and hear.  The body is tense, ready to defend itself against a sudden, suffocating attack. The spirit is weak. The lips can only muster a silent prayer, for people both known and unknown. The chest heaves with every sigh. The tears fall. The entire being feels drained; sucked of strength and happiness. And yet, against all odds, it waits...for a ray of light, for a day of redemption, for that message of revival. For hope, for humanity. -------------- May 2021 I know, a lot has changed since the pandemic and everything around us seems to be falling apart. We've lost loved ones and, along with them, a piece of our own heart. Yes, I know, it's impossible to imagine that life will ever be the same again - it won't. But, yesterday... After a long dry spell, it rained again. The insect-infested plant in our  garden recovered and bloomed again. The birds t...

Early mornings for me have always been about last-minute studying during exams, finishing assignments or catching flights - always about something to do, often to be done in a hurry. Even when my daily commute to college or work took 2+ hours, I wouldn't wake up until the last possible minute. Even after waking up, on most mornings, my dad would find me dozing off in front of the cupboard midway through finding something to wear. Well, you get the drift! During the 2021 lockdown, for the first time ever, I woke up early with no urgent agenda. No, it wasn't part of a resolution of any kind. I don't remember the reason now, but exactly on the 1st of June, I happened to wake up at 4:45 am. I got out of bed, not wanting to wake my husband, tiptoed out of the room and shut the door carefully behind me. Once outside the bedroom and away from the whirring of the ceiling fan, I felt the still calm of the morning wash over me. My heart wasn't beating fast out of the anxiety of a...

As an introvert, I've lost count of the number of times I felt misunderstood. People have assumed that I'm stuck up, timid, antisocial, boring or even plain sad. Yes, I was a quiet student in class, I did prefer sitting by the window and enjoying the view outside to dancing in the middle of the bus during class trips, I still do opt out of large "group" activities. What does this make me? It makes me a good listener, a person who values soulful experiences, someone who chooses heart-to-heart conversations and close-knitted friendships. And, in my own unique ways, I believe I've made a difference where it matters to me. Over the years, I've also learned to grow and adapt to demanding situations. I've learned to fight for my little space in a world full of extroverts. But I do wish my journey had been easier; I wish I hadn't been made to feel like there was something wrong with me. Even among people who claim to know me well (because they know me for yea...