In Vacant or in Pensive Mood

The 5:30 am scheduled alarm on my phone went off. Trained by routine, my hand extended out in the direction of the “...” music, picked up the phone and brought it to my face. I squinted open half an eye, just enough of a slit between the lids for me to spot the “Dismiss” icon. Alarm dismissed, I read the date displayed on the home screen; 21/10/15 –my Wednesday morning had officially begun. Throwing my phone aside, I slipped back into a state of semi-consciousness, trying to find the location in my mind where I had left off a dream in progress. My senses soon connected with the dream, in an inevitable motion. In the dream, I watched myself resigning the job I now hold, to go away and live with my grandparents in their home in Kerala. The rude interruption of my second alarm jolts me out of the pleasant green mountains, and teleports me back to my bed. I sit up on my bed, in awe of my dream! I loved the idea of quitting my job and going to live with my grandparents for a while....

Spotify recommended this song  (Always" by Armaan Malik and Calum Scott) to me a couple of days back. I had never heard it before but, strangely, it made me nostalgic. Maybe they don't write songs like this anymore, maybe it was because I was playing it on loop for my daughter during her nap... whatever the reason, it took me back. Back to a time when we said these things to each other. When we spoke in absolutes. When we made absolute promises, and meant them. "Always." "Forever." "All my days. All my nights." We were newly in love, but we were so sure! Oh, it was a time when we needed nothing else, and nobody else--that one person was enough. We just floated through life, everything and everyone else a blur--eyes focussed only on one. Only their opinion mattered. Only their feelings were important. And, of course, their presence--that was all we ever needed. What a time it was, when the only thing we expected the other was their presence! No wor...

Before we got married, Arpit and I had decided to wait for at least two years before we tried to have a biological child. But two years rolled by too soon and we were not ready. We then decided that May 2020 would be the best time to try. But we all know how 2020 turned out! We definitely wanted nothing to do with bringing a helpless, vulnerable, tiny human into a world assaulted by a pandemic and we also did not want to be taking trips to the hospital during one. So, we decided to wait it out a bit more. In December 2021, we were able to take a trip. Things seemed like they were really improving. So, on our anniversary, we "did it"! We had assumed that it would take several months of trying to get pregnant but, in the early days of January 2022, I started feeling different. Arpit was sure I wasn't pregnant. I was sure that I was. It was time to find out with a home pregnancy test. I had taken such tests in the past (whenever I missed a period) but the result was a litt...