Understanding Kairos (Part I): A Brief Interlude

Before we got married, Arpit and I had decided to wait for at least two years before we tried to have a biological child. But two years rolled by too soon and we were not ready.

We then decided that May 2020 would be the best time to try. But we all know how 2020 turned out! We definitely wanted nothing to do with bringing a helpless, vulnerable, tiny human into a world assaulted by a pandemic and we also did not want to be taking trips to the hospital during one.

So, we decided to wait it out a bit more. In December 2021, we were able to take a trip. Things seemed like they were really improving. So, on our anniversary, we "did it"!

We had assumed that it would take several months of trying to get pregnant but, in the early days of January 2022, I started feeling different.

Arpit was sure I wasn't pregnant. I was sure that I was. It was time to find out with a home pregnancy test.

I had taken such tests in the past (whenever I missed a period) but the result was a little different this time. There was one dark line (the c-line that indicates that the test is working) and a very faint one (t-line) next to it.

Wait! What did that mean? Was the test positive? Was I pregnant?

It was still early in the morning and I was groggy, but I had taken the pregnancy test then because I had felt the urge to pee and I knew that test packs recommend using the first urine of the day for the best results.

I had to rub my eyes and look again. Yes, there definitely was a line there... one I'd never seen before. OK, time for some Googling!

Me: "Does a faint t-line indicate a positive pregnancy result?"

Google: (in a nutshell) "Yes"

I woke Arpit up to tell him, half expecting an Instagram-worthy reaction (you know what I mean, we've all seen those excited husbands on the 'gram!).

But boy, was I in for a disappointment! He rubbed his eyes, sat up, and said, "Are you sure?" "Did you check it more than once?" and when I nodded, "Ok, let's go to a doctor then."

Well, that's reality for you! I suppose he was also trying to process how we got pregnant so quickly, although he later took much pride in his "quality material" ;)

Even though I had already known on some level, I was also quite surprised that we had made it happen at the first try. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if I was fully ready yet; I was hoping I'd have a few months to prepare myself physically and mentally before I actually had to deal with a pregnancy.

Anyway, we had now "borne the fruit of our labour" (biblically speaking, hehe) and it was now time to work on next steps. We checked for nearby OB/GYNs on Practo, then double-checked the health insurance coverage, referred the list of network hospitals, made a few calls to enquire prices, and so on.

We were living in Tambaram at the time. The hospital we finally picked out was some 12 kilometres away. We didn't think it was a big deal then...till I started facing complications. And the COVID third wave hit, forcing the city into weekend lockdowns and night curfews. (more on this later)

During our very first visit, the scan revealed a gestational sac, but no foetal pole. The doctor said that I was still in the very early stages of pregnancy (that's why the line was so faint on my test) and that I'd only known because I was really observant and intuitive to changes in my body. I felt a mild surge of pride run through my body as I looked at Arpit with a "See, I told you!" look. I had told him that I was sure something was going on and had wanted to check! He had insisted there was no need to buy a pregnancy test so early. It had taken some badgering to finally acquire the said test kit.

During that very first visit, the doctor congratulated us. Her confidence was a bit unsettling at first, but it had been contagious enough to get me thinking about pregnancy announcements on the way back home. I was excited to inaugurate the "Pregnancy journal + kit" I had purchased from Alicia Souza (I ordered it the week she launched it because I was afraid it would be sold out/out of production when the time came). I hadn't thought that I would get to use it so soon, but here we were!

I recorded voice notes so that I wouldn't forget how we would tell my parents and sister (visit them wearing our "Mom-to-be" and "Dad-to-be badges"), Arpit's sister (by writing a cute note on the chalkboard in our living room, the one she likes to read whenever she video calls us), and Arpit's parents who were visiting us in a few days (by leaving a picture of an otter couple holding a baby otter on their bed when they arrived).

The next day, when my husband was away and I was at home alone, I walked around the house speaking to my belly. I wore the "Mom-to-be" badge from Alicia's kit and took selfies. I clicked photos of my positive pregnancy test to remember it for posterity.

A couple of days in, I started spotting. Initially, I had assumed it was just "implantation bleeding", thanks to Google. I didn't worry, even though I realised that the colour of the blood coming out of me wasn't exactly the pale red/pink associated with this. When the bleeding continued and could no longer be described as spotting, I started to panic. Google was giving me many different answers, and I liked none of them! 

We decided to go to the doctor. It was the weekend, which meant that the lockdown was in force and we had to go through hell to convince a cab driver that we were, in fact, going to the hospital.

That day, the doctor put me on a 10-day bed rest. I was only allowed to get up if I had to use the restroom. And each time I used the restroom, I left a sea of red in the toilet bowl. I clicked pictures of them, I sent them all to the doctor's PA. Before long, we were told that it wasn't meant to be.

It hurt.

Physically, yes.

Emotionally, more.

It hadn't even been a proper foetus yet.

The doctor had said that most women didn't even know they were pregnant at this stage.

And that had made me feel good then.

Now, not so much.

Now -- when the doctor was looking at the scan taken after bleeding for days and telling me not to worry because it was common, and that most women wouldn't even knew they lost a baby, that women would have simply counted this as a late period -- not so much.

Because I wasn't most women.

Because I had known.

And now, I would know. 

And I would remember. All. my. life.

In January 2022, I came to know that I was pregnant. In the same month, I also came to know that I no longer wasnt. Not long enough, but it still hurt.

I hadn't even been sure or fully ready to get pregnant at the time, but knowing of it and then losing it, hurt.

Even when the doctor told me that it was extremely common; it was just that no one really talked about it, it hurt.

So here I am, talking about it.

If you ever lost a baby, it doesn't matter at what stage or at how many weeks, I see you.

I know it hurts, and not just physically.

I know it haunts you, and not just for a day or two.

I know the feelings go to war within you, and that sadness and relief (yes, relief) can live there together.

I see you when you blame yourself, because they call it a "miscarriage".

Like "mis-take", "mis-use", "mis-handle", "mis-place".

Oh, mis-ery!

Darling Woman, it isn't your fault. I know you have heard this before, but it's hard to believe it. In my doctor's words, you lost your baby because "your body knew better". Your body was protecting your baby from coming into the world less than equipped to survive in it.

After all this while, what I've come to understand is, it wasn't the right time. Darling Woman, I know it doesn't seem obvious to you now, but there will come a time.

The right time.

The opportune time.

God's opportune time (Kairos).

It will come, as it did for us.

It will come for you.

That's my wish for you. And I wish it for you, with all my heart!

(to be continued)

Read Part II here.