Learning the Language(s) of Love

My professor would often say, "Saying 'I love you' is easy, but staying in love requires hard work." He would also say, "Don't fall in love. Try to rise in love."

I've heard these words more than once during my years of study at MCCSWD (the Social Work department at MCC), and the truth in them continues to reverberate in my heart ever so loudly even today. I have a special attachment to these words, perhaps because it is in the very place where these words were spoken that I also met the person I chose to fall, rise and stay in love with.

"Rising in Love", shot by Deepu Da

Yes, we've fallen. And oh yes, we've risen! And we continue to stay in love today, as promised to each other in our wedding vows. There are times when loving each other is easy, but there are also times when it is hard work. There are times when I've smiled and thought to myself, "This is why I fell in love with him", and times when I've wondered what in the world happened to the person I first knew and loved!

Through it all, I've come to know that being married is a lot different from being "in a relationship". And there are plenty of reasons why. Most of them are wonderful perks, but there are some challenges too. And while these challenges are not the same for everyone, I've learnt that many of them can be overcome if we learn and put into practice the languages of love!

Did I just say "languages"? Yes, I did! There are five love languages, and I read about them in Dr. Gary Chapman's book, 'The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts'.

Here are a few interesting points from the book that I felt were worth sharing:

LOVE

Love is not just a feeling. It is a basic emotional need. Everyone, from the new-born infant to the ninety-year-old grandmother - everyone needs to feel loved.

"Our basic (emotional) needs are for security, seld-worth and significance. Love...interfaces with all of these."

Our perspective of love as adults is often rooted in our childhood experiences; this includes how we were loved and what we perceived as love when we were children.

"FALLING IN LOVE", ACCORDING TO THE WORLD

According to the author, the feeling of "falling in love" is an evolved "mating call". It is a temporary phase of obsession that lasts for two years or less. I am not sure if I fully agree, but this is what the book says!

When couples come out of the "in love" phase, they hit ground reality. Sometimes, they hit hard.

Staying in love is a choice, made consciously by couples once this phase ends. It requires commitment and effort to keep loving your spouse.

THE EMOTIONAL “LOVE TANK”

Inside each person is an emotional "love tank". When the person receives love from one or more sources (spouse, family, friends), the tank is full. When the tank is running low, the person is distraught, lonely and goes out - seeking love.

It's not enough to be loved. It’s important to know it and feel loved. Only then can your love tank be filled.

Here's why it's important to have a full love tank: If I feel loved, I also feel secure and significant. In Dr. Chapman's words, "I am now freed to develop my potential. I am more secure in my self-worth and can now turn my efforts outward instead of being obsessed with my own needs."

Children running away from home, teenagers falling into the wrong company, married people opting for illicit relationships - these are all results of an empty love tank.

How you express love to your loved ones determines how full their love tanks are.

Love needs to be communicated.

Photo by Arpit Haldar

LOVE LANGUAGES

There are different languages through which love is communicated. According to the author of the book who has been a marriage counsellor for decades, there are five broad languages and multiple dialects within each.

These are the five love languages (and a few of their dialects):

• Words of Affirmation (encouraging words, compliments, words of gratitude, etc)
• Quality Time (just sitting together, engaging in some activity together, sharing thoughts, speaking and listening)
• Receiving Gifts (involves materialistic gifts, from a little rose to a surprise gift on a random day)
• Acts of Service (completing a chore, cooking a special meal or going out of your way to do something for your partner)
• Physical Touch (holding hands, hugging, kissing, staying physically close, etc)

THE CHALLENGE IN COMMUNICATING LOVE

Your love language is shaped in your childhood. It may consist of one primary (or dominant) love language and one or more secondary ones.

Some couples are lucky because they both speak the same love language. They are able to understand each others' expression of love and can reciprocate in a manner both of them understand.

Most often, partners do not speak the same love language. As is the case between two people from different countries trying to communicate with each other in their own mother tongues, partners speaking different languages can struggle with the communication of love. 

Often, this brings about frustration, anger and dissatisfaction. This is also the root cause for a 

number of failed marriages.

Imagine this: You work long hours, so that you can shower your spouse with gifts, but he/she may still feel unloved. Wonder why? Probably because his/her love language is quality time! You wish your spouse could appreciate your hard work and your gifts, but all your spouse expected from you is the gift of your physical presence.

Can you imagine both you and your partner being frustrated in such a situation? Yes!

Do you think that you both would respond differently if you knew each other's love language? Definitely!

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

COMMUNICATING LOVE IN THE RIGHT LANGUAGE

It is possible to learn your spouse's love language and express your love to them in that particular language. When both partners learn to speak and understand each others' languages, a number of problems can be solved. This also applies to children. Despite their parents' best efforts, some children feel unloved because they do not understand the love language being spoken to them.

If you pay close attention, you may be able to identify the love language of your spouse (or child). Watch out for signs.

How does your partner express their love for you? This the most obvious indicator of what his/her love language is. What action or behaviour of yours receives the most positive response from your partner? If you're up for it, you can try expressing love in all five languages and observe how he/she responds to each. You can also get help from this online quiz to find out your own/your spouse's love language.

Once you identify your love language and that of your partner’s, start expressing your love to one another - in languages you both best understand. It may not be easy to begin with, especially if your partner’s love language is distinctly different from yours.

Are you a person who hates PDA, but learnt that your partner’s love language is “physical touch” and that he/she would be delighted if you held hands in public? Or are you, like me, a lazy bum with a partner whose love language is “acts of service”?

Invest time and effort. Commit to your goal and get innovative. Knowing the right language, in itself, is half the battle won! Don’t give up now!

Did I not tell you earlier? Love is hard work. But remember, being able to love someone is also a great pleasure and a privilege!

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If you are interested in knowing more about the five love languages and want ideas on how to train yourself in speaking your partner’s language, you can buy the book or read it online. I read the book using the Anybooks app.