Role-Change

There was a phase in my life when I had been fascinated by the idea of having a big brother. I didn't have one myself, but just hearing people talk of their big brothers and the sweet things they did made me wish I had one too. Soon enough, my wish was granted. A second cousin I had hardly spoken to before, but had met many times during my vacations in Kerala, landed in my city to study engineering. Although I was wary of it in the beginning, I was able to accept him as my brother and enjoy the sisterly pampering he offered. I realised that you don't necessarily have to be siblings to be a big brother and a baby sister! Wonderfully enough, this realisation brought me some more big brothers. They pampered me, and filled my life with a certain happiness that compared to nothing I had felt before. I fed my hunger for affection with all the chocolates they bought me. Well, I LOVED it!

I started looking up to my brothers for almost everything. When it came to some important decisions in my life, as much as I loved and valued the suggestions of my parents, I would always want to double-check them with my brothers. Not that I doubted the counsel of my parents, but that I gave my big brothers some mighty big places in my heart. I respected them, valued them and cherished them. I even went to the extent of involving my friends in my fantasy-filled world of big brothers! I used to entertain my friends with proud narrations of heroic things my motorbike-riding brothers did. Everything in my life seemed to revolve around them.

As years went by, my big brothers gradually drifted away from me. I complained, sometimes, when they missed the things in my life I wanted them to be a part of. But I did not really notice their absence until it became really obvious one day. What truly happened, I don’t really know. To me, it just seemed like they had gotten bored, and moved on, getting busy with their own lives. How did this affect me? Well, all of a sudden, I felt abandoned! I had a real family (and friends), I could turn to any time; but, somehow, I felt like I had lost the axis around which my life revolved. I called; no one picked up. I messaged and waited for replies. I sent emails, in vain.

A few friends who were senior to me tried to break it to me gently because it had happened to them too; my brothers weren’t coming back. I didn’t believe them initially, and remained in denial. “How could my big brothers, the ones I loved so much, not want me anymore? They love me! They will soon reply, call, or email! They are just busy now with important things like work and family.” Only the last of the above statements was true, of course. They were so busy with setting up their lives that they had forgotten me. After months and months of wishful hoping and waiting, it finally sunk in. It was over, and I was back to being brother-less!

A few years later, it finally dawned on me one day! I realised why my big brothers had left me. I had outgrown the role of a baby sister. It was now time for me to take on a different role; the role of a big sister! Of course, technically speaking, I do have a little sister and a few younger cousins, which makes me a big sister. But none of them have really made me feel like one; they don’t even call me “chaechi”. The thing is, I don’t want them to either. I have always been happy with them treating me as an equal. I had never in my life expected to be a big sister, nor did I go looking for a situation to become one. But it was meant to happen, and it happened.

I think it was during one of those Rotaract events I attended. There was a guy, two years my junior, who had been my co-compere (MC) at a conference. We had bonded over the course of working together, but it wasn’t until I met him again, two years later, that I realised how much I had missed him. One little hug, and I felt like a missing part of me had been made complete! A friend of mine asked me who he was soon after that, and I remember telling her, “He’s like my little brother”. I felt like a big sister in an instant, and assumed my new-found role when I found myself a new brother, a younger one this time!

The story of how I became a big sister from a baby sister may sound silly. And the funny thing is, when all of this happened, I didn’t even think of it. It was only recently, when I was missing my big brother, and wondering if I was really so bad (that my brother didn’t want me), that someone put the thought into my head. I shouldn’t be worried; some things are meant to come to an end because newer things are at hand. I was no longer a baby sister waiting for her brother to ride up on a motorbike and give her a chocolate! Heck, I was the chaechi who had to go shopping for her little brother’s birthday gift!

I won’t say that I am completely good at being a big sister. There are times when I act like the kid and my brother has to put up with me. There are times when he takes on the role of the mature supportive individual, and I do all the complaining. I make mistakes too; I am not the perfect example to my brother either. But yes, I am working on it, and at the end of the day, I think what counts is that my little brother thinks that I am pretty awesome! *big grin*